Putting it away in order to put it together

I’m not sure how Mr. Eli Knight found my blog, but I’m very happy to have found his.  He not only has some really interesting technique posts, he also writes wonderful philosophical posts that show a genuine love for BJJ.  For example, I found myself grinning as I read his most recent post, Enjoy The Moment, because it resonated with my own feelings towards BJJ and my current journey to being more present in and aware of my life.  

Part of the measures I’ve been taking is cutting down on my use of social media. For all my talk about being comfortable with solitude and silence, I’ve learned that that hasn’t really been true.  Case in point: Until early this month, I found myself logging into Twitter or Facebook even though I knew there wouldn’t be anything I’d be interested in and, more disturbingly, I realized I was doing this when I had intended to write.  What this told me was that I was using social media as an excuse not to write, to not put in the hard work of practicing writing.  

This isn’t something new, unfortunately.  However, what is new is that I’ve changed my reaction for when I realize what I’m doing. Before, my self-talk was simply a scolding: “You should be writing.” But that just led to guilt and more mindless internet wandering – a cycle of negativity that really hasn’t helped at all.  Now, my self-talk is more of a question, an evaluation: “Is this something that is helping you understand your fear and be more present and/or improve your writing?”  Because sometimes you can happen on really insightful things and also amazing opportunities by wandering – for example, I found out that there will be a writing conference this weekend in my town – and those things shouldn’t be ignored.  Cutting things out completely isn’t always the answer…  

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That last bit is amusing to me because I’m notorious for keeping certain aspects of my life separate from each other. In my opinion, separation isn’t necessarily good, but sometimes it’s necessary.  For example, when you’re young, you study science and history separately; when you’re older, once you have the necessary background knowledge, you learn how those two subjects constantly affect each other.  Basically, you have to understand the parts before you can put them together.  

It makes perfect sense writing it out like this, but as I’ve been trying to apply it to my personal life, I’ve found it to be terrifying.  For me, it’s easier to look at things in pieces – things are much more manageable that way.  My job is separate from BJJ, my family is separate from my friends, etc.  Each group is separate and each group has a separate “me” that I show.  But in this case, not only is separation unnecessary, it is flat out not good.

Life – and people – aren’t pieces.  Treating others and myself as such is not only detrimental to my relationships with other people, but also my relationship with my self.  Dividing things up like this has not led to me being in control – it’s instead led to me being controlled by others.  It all comes back to being present and aware, accepting flaws, forgiving mistakes, a dedication to moving forward, and a hope that one day, the pieces will come together to create a whole…

Words and actions

Today’s BJJ class was more of a lecture than anything else. Our instructor is away for a couple of days and one of our purple belts ran through a bunch of different situations commonly seen in competition.  Though it was very informative, it was quite a lot and I felt bad for one of the other students.  Our instructor usually conducts class in both English and Japanese, but our purple doesn’t speak Japanese, so the task fell on my ill-equipped shoulders.  While I was translating to the other white belt, I could see how overwhelmed she was becoming.  She understood the techniques, but to be thrown a bucket-ton of new information nearly a week before competition is frazzling.  But I talked to her after class and told her to just focus on what she’d been practicing up ’til now; just trust in her training.  

I know our purple meant well, but like most things, BJJ is best learned by doing.  I noticed something similar in one of my lessons today, where I found myself talking too much and the students doing too little. There’s a time for lecture, but it should be vastly outweighed by the time spent drilling and practicing.  As an instructor, sometimes I forget to trust in the training – that is, I forget to allow the students to practice on their own and trust that through experience, they’ll get better.  Granted, there’s a lot of fine details involved (ex. how to present information and instructions) but the best instruction is not done by the instructor – but by the students.

Learning, loving

It is also good to love: because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation. That is why young people, who are beginners in everything are not yet capable of love: it is something they must learn…

– Chapter 7, “Letters to a Young Poet” by Rainer Maria Rilke

On success and failure

Been feeling pretty shitty in terms of work – coming to terms with the fact that no, in the 12+ years of formal and informal teaching positions I’ve had, education has not changed and won’t for a long time.  Not that I regret doing this program; I just now have to figure out how to not let it drain me. 

On the other hand, BJJ has been getting surprisingly better.  I think I’ve learned more in the 2 months I’ve been at this new academy than I’ve learned in the past 11 stop-and-go months I’ve been training.  There’s of course still a lot to learn, but I feel like I’m seeing things in new ways, focusing on different things.  

I think this article I read recently by “Dilbert” creator Scott Adams explains it well. In it, he says quite bluntly: 

[G]oals are for losers. That’s literally true most of the time. For example, if your goal is to lose 10 pounds, you will spend every moment until you reach the goal—if you reach it at all—feeling as if you were short of your goal. In other words, goal-oriented people exist in a state of nearly continuous failure that they hope will be temporary.

This could also be ascribed to education and why I’ve been so frustrated with it.  Goals, regardless of how you spin them, are not realistic. Adams advises to focus on “systems.” It’s tempting to compare it to the saying, “Focus on the journey, not the destination,” but the word “journey” implies a destination.  In my interpretation, one should focus on improving connections. 

I’ll go back to BJJ as an example: In BJJ, it’s less about knowing individual techniques – ex. armbar, triangle, omoplata – but more about how to lead in and out of those techniques as well as how they all connect to each other.  And the wonderful thing about BJJ is often times, a failed technique can lead to a better one — if recognized in time.  But that recognition comes only from hundreds – nay, thousands – of repetitions and failures.  You might set a goal of drilling a thousand armbars, but it should be for the sake of improving your overall BJJ game, or, your “system” of BJJ. 

This can all turn very meta very fast, but I’ll keep it at that for now.

Gift, answer; beginning, end

And God said, “Your gift will be silence.”

I asked, “What should I do with it?”

And I received —