Monthly Archives: December 2013

Match

Trying my hand at flash fiction for the first time in a long time…

 

Match (pair/fire)

 

“So what did you think of the apartment?”

The older woman sighs. “Honestly?”

“Of course.” The younger woman nudges the other, “It’s why I brought you.”

The older smirks, but it drops quickly into a frown. “I think you can do better. It’s smaller and older than your current place, which means you’ll have even more problems later on.”

 “True. But what about the feel?” the younger hums.

The older shrugs. “It … matches you, but I don’t think that’s enough to make it worth liking.”

 The younger woman smiles. “You can like something and still admit that it has flaws,” she answers calmly. “And I think it’s worth the effort.”

The older woman rolls her eyes but her lips lift into a grudging half-smile.  “Yeah, it really is your match, you crazy kid.”

あやまる

Yesterday, I said “I’m sorry” to a snail – I hadn’t seen it until it was too late, my sneaker-clad foot too deep in gravity’s grasp for me to reverse the downward motion. I winced at the crunch that followed and murmured my apology even though it was just a snail, even though it was already too late. 

*

This week I suffered from food poisoning, just as I was congratulating myself on not getting horrendously sick after moving to Okinawa.  But what surprised me more than getting sick was the many well-wishes sent from co-workers and friends.  I was even gifted with foodstuffs that would be gentle on my stomach.  My refrigerator had never been so full before – I’m sure it was just as surprised as I was to have so much stuff.  Although my appetite is finally getting back to normal, I still have yet to finish all the food I received.  

During those moments of unexpected gifts, unconsciously, “I’m sorry” came on the heels of “thank you,” as in “Thank you for your concern, though I’m sorry for worrying you.”  Apparently it was my subconscious revealing its stance on concern, that is something voluntary, requiring an effort better suited for people and things other than me and my sensitivity – to food and drink.

*

If you think about it, the phrase “I’m sorry” is one not to be taken lightly.  Saying those technically three words is an act of defining one’s identity at that moment.  “I am sorry” – if written on one of those generic name stickers it would read, “Hi! My name is: Sorry.” And if we continue this example of names, it follows that saying those three words also specifically defines one’s identity in relation to the person to whom the speaker is talking with.  Meaning, the speaker is not only performing an act of contrition, as in “I am sorry to you [whom I have offended, wounded, etc.]”, it is also the speaker acknowledging and empathizing with the other person’s view of the speaker: “To you, I am [known as] sorry.” 

*

At many points in our lives, we are all Sorry. 

Speak softly (or not at all)

The story goes that when I was nearly 2 years old, my mother was worried because I hadn’t started speaking. Whereas other children were making attempts at speech – cute little gibberish that we often associate with “baby talk” – I apparently was silent. My grandmother, however, said not to worry, that I was merely observing and would begin talking in my own time, skipping the gibberish stage.  Sure enough, when I finally began talking, I was talking in full sentences.

*

I don’t play well with others – I was always called bossy when I was in elementary school.  I think it was more that I was stubborn: When in a group or a team, I’m either all in or checked out.  In group projects, I’m either the most vocal or I say nothing at all. In high school, I was in only a few teams, but was captain of each one. In my current job, my other teachers have apparently given me leeway to plan whatever activity I want.  It seems easier that way, to choose one or the other. The former is much more stress – it always is, being alone – however, it also gives the most freedom.  The latter, allows for much less stress, but only the perception of freedom.

*

The first couple of months in BJJ is spent simply absorbing everything.  It’s not until after the first year, really, that you start to understand things and can give advice to others and/or ask meaningful questions.  I’m still fairly quiet during BJJ classes, but recently I’ve been talking a little bit more.  One reason is to ask questions. This is now my third school and going into my 2nd year (total time, not consecutive) of training, so there are times when I’m trying to remember old techniques or how to connect new techniques with those old ones.  But another reason is also to simply to connect. It’s something I’ve noticed everyone does at this school, taking time here and there to acknowledge improvement, to give advice.

*

I always learned that whenever I was under stress, I was supposed to keep quiet and think before acting, to act not react.  As someone who’s very comfortable with silence, this is something that happens naturally, and I turn often to silence as my contemplation partner.  However, in many places of my life, calm contemplation is simply not possible because the pace is too fast and silence can be taken as worse than a quick answer – but many times a quick answer will lead to disaster.  And then there are other times when regardless of how much thought I put into my words, the story is guaranteed to end the same way.